Chapter 8: Answer
David snaps me out of my own shock with a follow up question.
“C’mon Sebastian! Please? I know I have a history for not following through but I promise that I’ll pick you up and make sure we have a good clean time.”
“Hmm, I don’t know David you always find a way to leave me without notice I’m kinda getting tired of it.” Knowing him this may be only a phase of wanting someone, he has done it many times before.
“Ouch, I assure you I’ll be there with you. Promise.” He seems more energetic and his enthusiasm really wants me to give him a chance.
As I stand there Collin awkwardly waits for me to get off the phone, I try my best to wrap it up.
“Fine, I’ll go out with you. How about tomorrow after school, spend the day with me?”
“YES! Okay got it, I’ll talk to you later.” With that he hangs up and I swear I heard Collin give out a giant sigh, I turn to him and he quickly smiles. I know its fake.
“So someone has a date! That’s really cute, I hope it works out fine.” He is lying, does he like me?
“Oh hush up, why are you jealous?” I raise an eyebrow and interrogate.
“Hahaha maybe…Nah you’re my friend.” Although Collin tries to say it with confidence he seems depressed. Maybe I’m just being conceited, he does not care whether I date someone or not he is straight and would not really have an interest in me. I push the ideas aside trying to focus on the conversation.
“Aww of course we’re friends what else would we be? Anyways, I’m getting really cold you think we could head home now?”
“I was just about to suggest that, c’mon leh go!”
We hope off the hood and head home. I finally get dropped off in the front of my house, after a long tiring day I just want to shower and sleep. Collin walks me to my door and make sure I get in safely.
“Hey Collin thank you for hanging out. We need to do this some time again.” I give him a hug as I say this, he holds me closer. For a straight guy, he is very friendly with me. A little too friendly maybe?
“Yea we do, I miss you so much that I feel bad that we lost contact after the summer this last year.”
“I know, sorry for not making an effort. OH so what did you want to tell me? I totally forgot when I got off the phone at the hill place.” He slowly releases me from the hug and looks at me, scanning my face under my porch light, butterflies start to float again.
“Oh nothing important.” Lie.
“Tell me? I know its something major, I can sense it.” I do my best to convince him to tell me.
“No no, really its nothing at all. I just wanted to know if you think I’ll be a good captain this year.” He gives me a smile and re-asks the question before I answer.
“Ye- Yea of course. I mean why wouldn’t you. You’re a strong and smart guy, people admire your hard work and dedication. Trust me you’re good.”
“Thank you, well I gotta go.” He gives me a quick hug and leaves before I can say a real good bye. I watch him drive off before I go inside.
As I lay in bed after I take my shower, I start to think about my day. Those moments between me and Collin were something else. Something that I’m not used to experiencing. Was it because he was actually sweet and not hitting on me? Or cause I really do miss my friend? Maybe it is cause I want him to be gay and to date me, I mean I must admit he really has potential to be an amazing boyfriend for me. I turn to my side and my whole train of thought changes. The thought of David and me cuddling the night before gets me giddy. The crave for his body is increasing, and the want for his kiss makes my lips tingle. Seeing him tomorrow better be worth something… I drift in to sleep thinking about how our date will be.
Collin’s point of view
As I drive home a mixture of emotions run through me. The feeling of anger, depression, and being worthless is all that I can feel right now.
Why did he say yes? Why David? Why not me? Why? Why? Why?
Tonight was my night to tell him. Tonight was my night to admit that I want to be that guy that puts a smile on his face everyday. His night and shining armor. His superman that will come save the day.
Sebastian was in my reach and I let him go but letting him answer that fucking phone. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I am stupid.
Ever since he and I became close, all I wanted to do was be that one guy he’ll never forget or regret being with. Yet every time I get even the biggest of opportunities to prove it, I ruin it. Driving home was painful, with ever turn I contemplated whether or not to go back and ask him to not go on that date. With every stop light I wandered if I should call him and tell him my true feelings. With every second that passed after that call I cried on the inside.
After driving out of his street, I could not hold back the tears that built up. Cascading down the side of my face to my shirt, I was a complete mess. My heart felt like it was being dropped from a cliff, that nervous free falling feeling crept into my soul.
I was a fool. No- I am a fool for falling in love with him.
With that, I made a conscious decision not to tell him how I feel, I wanted him to be happy and to never get my feelings in the way of his happiness. It is sacrifice I was willing to make.